Many people focus on the big moments in relationships—like major life events or emotional exchanges—but the everyday routines often play a significant, yet underappreciated, role in relationship dynamics. Marriage is often marked by significant milestones that couples share, fostering a deep sense of partnership. From the excitement of ones wedding day, where dreams are ignited, to the joy of welcoming a child into the world, these moments create lasting memories. The shared experiences, of buying a first home can bring couples closer as they navigate the challenges of the emotional back and forth. Similarly, celebrating anniversaries and birthdays allows partners to reflect on their journey, reinforcing their bond.
While these major events are memorable, it’s often the everyday routines that truly nurture closeness. Sharing a morning coffee, discussing the day’s plans, or unwinding together at night cultivates intimacy. The small gestures—like a thoughtful note or a helping hand—contribute significantly to the emotional framework of a relationship. Routine chores, when tackled together, can transform mundane tasks into a collaborative effort. These moments build trust and understanding, reinforcing the idea that partnership is woven into daily life. Ultimately, while life’s milestones are significant, it is the consistent, everyday interactions that create a profound sense of connection. In the rhythm of daily life, couples find support, laughter, and love in the little things. It’s in these shared routines that the essence of partnership truly flourishes, providing a foundation for a lasting marriage.
I’d like to explore this idea a bit more in depth as I believe that routine in marriage is underrated. For anyone who works with families, it is obvious that the outstanding and milestone experiences make up a small percentage of one’s marriage yet that often becomes the focus as opposed to the inherent beauty of the everyday occurrences. These unique experiences often become conflated with success because the rejoinder when discussing it is usually “hey, it was awesome” or “We have such great memories” as a family. Here’s the rub, if these moments serve as the foundation for the relationship, then we have a frame resting on very little. If these experiences are an accoutrement and serve to enhance the familial bond, then they can in fact be an excellent vehicle to grow closer. The point being that in order for relationships to be successful, it is the small everyday moments and not the stand-alone bits that act as a catalyst.
A 2019 article published in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, suggests that routines are not just important for young children, but it promotes more successful social skills and academic success in older children and teaches family resiliency in general.[i] One study that came out in 2020 during the height of the COVID epidemic, suggested that research overwhelmingly pointed to the fact that those people who had regularized routines were able to buffer the negative impact of stress on mental health.[ii] Even the most simple things like splitting housework, can have a huge impact on the quality of the married couples relationship. [iii] Ultimately, routine positively impacts ones meaning in life which overlaps in multiple directions and arenas for the individual.[iv] All of these element’s lead in the same direction, namely the importance that routine plays in one’s life. The logical extension of this is that the simple and the mundane in the context of routine in marriage, can ensure a better quality of life and enhance feelings of purpose and belonging. The flip side is true as well. When one has little to no routine and no shared moments of regularity it means that there can be very little growth if any between partners. If one is always waiting for that next big event, then the very real concern would be that there isn’t enough of the “in between” to stabilize the relationship. It is no wonder that divorce rates for adults 50 years and older has actually doubled in the past 20 years.[v] As children grow up and leave home, couples often experience a significant shift in their daily interactions, which can create emotional distance. Without the regular routines that encourage communication and intimacy, couples may struggle to connect, resulting in misunderstandings and dissatisfaction, ostensibly contributing to higher divorce rates.
Routines are important. That’s the bottom line. Something like dinner together, allows couples to boost sociability and enhance relationships.[vi] But it isn’t just food. It could be any morning rituals, Sunday traditions, household chores and shared moments like a walk together after dinner. Anything can become a routine, but it is those that we share together with our loved ones which become essential for a good healthy relationship. These moments effect connection and give value to time spent together. Of course, this is not to say that there should never be personal time along side shared experiences. As we continue to evolve as individuals, we can not and should not give up our own sense of self. This means that in the course of healthy relationship building, learning how to balance individual routines with those that are shared is also a priority! Phew…who ever said relationships were easy?
Part of the reason that routines in relationships are so healthy is that they have a sizable impact on conflict resolution. When people fight, they are often times misunderstood and may even misrepresent themselves. As time goes on, partners feel unheard and invisible. This leads to negative feelings that fester until they are exposed, revealing the dark underside of each person’s emotionality and bandwidth to deal with years of relational neglect. However, when routines are strong not only does it mitigate stress since one knows what’s coming, but it also reduces conflict due to the fact that routine fosters familiarity and less is left to the imagination. Something to take into account is that these routines do evolve over time as relationships grow. This may mean navigating changes in parenthood or even career shifts. However, with clarity, transparency and openness, routines can become a major facet in healthy relationship building. To be sure, partners need to also be honest and transparent which can itself be a catalyst for growth in the relationship.
Routines play a crucial role in creating stability and predictability in our lives. Established routines help individuals manage their daily tasks more efficiently, reducing uncertainty and providing a framework within which to operate. By fostering a sense of order, routines enable individuals to navigate their environments with greater confidence. This predictability allows for smoother transitions between activities and can alleviate the stress associated with unexpected changes, making routines a foundational aspect of daily life that supports both mental and emotional well-being.
The psychological benefits of routines extend beyond mere stability. Having a structured routine can significantly reduce anxiety levels by providing a sense of control over one’s environment.[vii] This sense of control is particularly valuable in high-stress situations, where individuals often feel overwhelmed. Additionally, routines can enhance social bonding; strengthening interpersonal connections and fostering a sense of belonging, which is critical for emotional health.
Moreover, routines can promote overall mental health by encouraging positive behaviors. In fact, consistent routines can lead to better self-regulation and decision-making, ultimately contributing to more fulfillment. Routines serve as a vital tool for fostering stability, enhancing psychological well-being, and building strong, meaningful relationships.
I remember as a little kid every evening as I was in bed ready for sleep, I would look out my window on 74 Bainton Road and watch this elderly couple from my window walk past my house. Same time, every day. They would be holding hands and in each of their other hands they had walking sticks. It was like clockwork. Only recently did I realize how healthy their behavior was and not just physically. They created a routine in which their evenings revolved around. They had a set time, a set pace, a set course and even their specific walking sticks. Those moments are priceless but more than that, they impact in a very real way on relationship satisfaction.
So where does that leave us? What’s the tangible take away that I am typically so fond of when I write these articles. I think that for many if not most of us, experimenting with new shared routines can significantly enhance the connection between partners. One tangible takeaway is to establish a weekly “date night” at home, where both partners commit to spending quality time together without distractions. This could involve cooking a new recipe together, watching a movie, or even engaging in a fun activity like painting or playing board games. The key is to approach these routines with openness and curiosity, allowing for genuine interaction and shared laughter. This dedicated time fosters intimacy and strengthens bonds, reminding both partners of the joy in their partnership. It becomes something that is part of the weekly routine. It fills up empty space with values and meaningful experiences. I would also suggest learning how to be present in the moment. As opposed to trying to find those “moments” appreciate the fact that everything done together can be a “moment” and that is the most profoundly impactful approach that one can have. It’s about mindfulness and being present in the here and now with an eye towards the random and mundane and not the stand-alone experiences.
Shared routines are an effective way of ensuring a consistency, connection and intimacy within the relationship. As discussed, it also lowers anxiety levels and creates meaningful moments. Finding new routines can breathe fresh energy into a marriage, deepening the emotional connection between partners. As couples explore these experiences together, they cultivate a space where love and understanding flourish. After all, in the symphony of life, it’s the harmonious notes of shared moments that create the most beautiful melodies.
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[i] Arlinghaus KR, Johnston CA. The Importance of Creating Habits and Routine. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine. 2018 Dec 29;13(2)
[ii] Hou WK, Lai FT, Ben-Ezra M, Goodwin R. Regularizing daily routines for mental health during and after the COVID-19 pandemic. Journal of Global Health. 2020 Dec;10(2)
[iii] Carlson, D. L., Miller, A. J., & Rudd, S. (2020). Division of Housework, Communication, and Couples’ relationship Satisfaction. Socius, 6.
[iv] Heintzelman, S. J., & King, L. A. (2019). Routines and Meaning in Life. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 45(5), 688-699.
[v] WF Lawyers, Divorce Statistics and Facts, accessed October 6, 2024, https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/.
[vi] Marshall, D. W., & Anderson, A. S. (2002). Proper meals in transition: Young married couples on the nature of eating together. Appetite, 39(3), 193–206.
[vii] Rohde, P., & Stice, E. (2016). “The influence of family and peer relationships on adolescent depression and anxiety.” Psychological Bulletin, 142(2), 137-165.
Noam is the best!