As humans we’ve all got anxiety. It’s the unfortunate outgrowth of a very important biological protective measure, that every one of our ancestors utilized to stay alive and thrive. Prior to living in cities and walled villages, we shared our space with nature. To ensure our survival, we were given a biological advantage over our predators, namely, a way for us to determine if something was a threat or not. This led to our ability to think quickly, and problem solve, allowing us to make critical next step decisions. At times those decisions resulted in our unfortunate demise and other times in living to see another day. This instinct is known as the “fight-or-flight” response, which many of us remember from our very first psychology course. I want to walk you through the “behind the scenes” so that you have a better understanding of an issue that impacts family dynamics in a most unhealthy way. Namely, the stress and anxiety parents of older singles put on their children. But before we take a deep dive into that subject let’s understand what and how anxiety happens.
What ultimately happens in moments of danger or unexpected situations that force us to pause and evaluate, is a total bodily overhaul. Our blood pressure and heartbeat immediately increase helping to push oxygen and nutrients to our major muscle groups quickly, prepping us so we are physically capable of running away from danger. The blood drains from our skin and is redirected to more necessary organs. Our pupils dilate so that we can take in more light and see things better. Stress hormones like cortisol surge through our bloodstream and enhance the brain’s use of glucose for tissue repair. Adrenaline gets released which increases the blood pressure and gives us more energy. Digestion and other areas of our body shut down temporarily so the body can pivot and utilize all energy reserves to keep itself alive. The truth is that this just brushes the surface of what happens during a life-threatening situation and how the body works to keep us alive.
To be clear, this all happens when our amygdala, which are two almond shaped clusters of brain cells sense that something non-routine is happening. When this occurs, they release the aforementioned stress hormones so that we are ready to deal with the unknown.[i] It is the unknown or non-routine events which triggers our anxiety response and for a really long time that made a lot of sense. We needed this stopgap measure for our own survival.
It is a testament to the way in which we were created and the details involved. But here’s the thing, we don’t live in the wild anymore. The days of huts and shelters surrounded by the elements are gone (unless we decide to experience this by choice). What happens when we face situations that are dangerous today or we are met with something different or unexpected? Well, you guessed it. Our bodies react the same exact way as they would if a bear or lion came to our hut in the middle of nature two thousand years ago, since that’s how our bodies are programmed. The only problem is the fact that today, our bodies don’t really need to react that way in the large majority of cases. Obviously, if my car breaks a barrier on the highway and I am hanging off a bridge, short of superman coming to save me, I better start thinking quickly about what to do or I will end up plunging 400 feet into the icy-cold body of water beneath me. But what happens if I am walking down the street, and someone comes up to me from out of the blue or I am lying in bed with no one in the house and I hear a bang downstairs? The same response my ancestors would have had to a lion is what happens to me. My amygdala are awoken, and stress hormones are cast into my blood stream and, well, you know what comes next.
Perhaps the examples that I gave you are understandable. After all, these conditions may present themselves as dangerous situations. But let’s get to the crux of this issue so we can understand how it is all relevant to us as individuals and why it is deleterious in the family setting. What if my 23-year-old daughter has been dating for three years and is not yet married? Especially in the traditional and Orthodox Jewish community! I am inundated with magazine articles about the trials and tribulations facing older singles and stories about adult single children. Imagine for a second how this plays out. Every time I think about it, I get nervous about what might end up being my child’s reality. After all, I am on information overload. The unknown is paralyzing for me and when I focus on it just a bit too much, guess what happens…yup, you guessed it. My amygdala gets triggered, I start feeling the effects of those stress hormones in my blood stream and honestly, I have a hard time focusing on anything else. No lions, no tigers, no bears, just good old fashioned Jewish parenting with a healthy dose of anxiety caused by the unknown.
Now here comes the most significant part at least as far as this article is concerned. If we as parents were able to keep our anxiety to ourselves, it wouldn’t be the healthiest thing, but at least it would be manageable because it only impacts us, the parents themselves. However, here is what actually happens and welcome to my complicated (but highly rewarding) world of working with couples. Dr. Murry Bowen (whose particular style I am trained in) was in many ways the founder of modern marriage and family therapy. He saw the construct of relationships in terms of a functioning, organic system. Dr. Bowen started his career as a psychiatrist but what he found was that the family system interacted as an emotional unit, each impacting one another.[ii] The only real way to prevent this emotionality from impacting in a negative way is to bolster one’s sense of self or identity known as differentiation. There are other, more unhealthy ways of dealing with negative impact, but it is beyond the scope of this paper. This emotionality that Bowen speaks about is what we would call in the vernacular: anxiety.[iii] As in our regular life, no one wants to hold on to their own anxieties. When we have anxiety about driving, it turns into road rage, when we come home from work stressed, we scream at anyone who stands in our way. When we have things on our mind, and we are feeling the unease of life we get into a fight with our neighbor or that guy in the parking lot whose car is over the line. This is how we all function and in a certain sense it’s normative behavior. However, what Bowen understood was that as we look to offload our anxieties in our nuclear families, the other family members absorb this anxiety from us. This creates a disruption of homeostasis in the relationship. Once there is a disturbance in the family’s homeostasis, things begin to devolve and can become quite unhealthy. As Bowen himself says “Anxiety that begins in one person can eventually infect the whole family.”[iv]
To break it down, when we are nervous or anxious rather than hold onto these unwanted feelings, we push them onto other people, this not only triggers a biological response connected to a perceived threat (or in our modern day lives something that is an unknown variable) but it emotionally and systemically impacts the family structure itself. I am giving you a somewhat gentler version of a very complex physiological, chemical, emotional and psychological process. But here is the most tangible take away for parents in this conversation as it relates to their single children and it couldn’t be simpler. Parents, leave your adult single children alone! Every time you push your anxieties onto your singles, they absorb your anxieties, and it not only throws your relationship out of whack, but it throws them out of whack. The latter being because they keep your anxiety and must struggle with it, or they have to deposit it onto someone else thereby disrupting another relationship. It’s enough already.
I get the fact that it is overwhelming and frightening. But take up kickboxing or go for a run. The answer isn’t to make your children nervous about something that they often times can’t control. Don’t get me wrong, part of healthy parenting includes, but is not limited to, creating a healthy space for your children to speak without fear of being judged. This is essential in all relationships and when it comes to older singles that may themselves feel a bit uneasy about the process, knowing they have a parent to come to and speak about things can often be a godsend. But it begins there and ends there. They know they are single; they want to be married. They want to be married more than YOU want them to be married.
It’s also true that our communities have to do a better job at helping to deal with this issue. People are definitely having these conversations, and I have the great honor of collaborating with some exceptionally talented shadchanim in this area. They are working really hard cross-denominationally to change the status quo and I am hopeful that our hard work will bear fruit. But this is going to take a village and everyone needs to do their part.
So, what can parents do to help themselves navigate this process emotionally and be a source of support as opposed to anxiety for their children? First and foremost, get help and stop being afraid to ask for it. There are some very good, trained professionals out there who know what they are doing and can be extraordinarily helpful to you in this process. On a personal level, the many parents that come to see me typically feel much better when working through their own issues on the subject and learning how to process emotions. In turn, they become more effective parents and serve as stronger supports for their children. There are also many untrained nonprofessionals who think they know what they are doing and end up creating more problems than they solve. So do your homework wisely. Make sure to ask for references and don’t be afraid to research!
Let me share with you my three top pro-tips (not including speaking to a professional) that I share with parents who are anxious about their children’s dating life and in turn helps them find a sense of calm and allows them to be present for their children (and themselves).
Stop comparing: Our communities are so close knit that it’s tough not to look over our shoulder and see every other family and what they have. For the record we also don’t see what they don’t have (perhaps something else that I should write about). Each person’s journey is unique with multiple different variables. Comparing only exacerbates anxiety and creates unnecessary pressure.
Celebrate achievements: Work on shifting your focus from your child’s relationship status to his or her individual accomplishments and personal growth. The emphasis should be on celebrating their respective successes in various aspects of their lives, such as career, hobbies, and personal development.
Practice open communication: Learn to have honest and empathetic conversations about your child’s choices and realities. Listen actively and supportively without pressure. They are not you and there should never be a belief that your adult child needs to conform to your culture norm or expectation.
Being a parent is tough, being single is tough and being a parent of an adult single is tough. It’s all complicated and there is no magic pill to make it better. But there are steps that we can take which will make us more proficient in good wholesome parenting, non-judgmental communication and mindfulness. The more we continue to work on these things the better it will be for everyone. Our goal is to transition together with our children from one stage to the next unscathed, healthy and intact. By shifting our mindset and taking tangible steps to reduce our anxieties we can look forward to brighter days ahead wherever they may lead.
[i] Bunn, T. (2013). Ending Your Fear of Flying. In Soar (pp. 7–13). essay, Lyons Press.
[ii] Gilbert , R. M. (2004). Introduction. In The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory (p. 1). essay, Leading Systems Press.
[iii] Gilbert , R. M. (2004). Nuclear Family Emotional System. In The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory (pp. 5-23). essay, Leading Systems Press.
[iv] Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. Z. (1988). Chronic Anxiety. In Family Evaluation (p. 124). essay, W.W. Norton & Company.
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